Can you please rate my essay on the following prompt.?

"The recent election of our nation's first black president demonstrates how far racial equality has advanced since the Emancipation Proclamation was penned by Abraham Lincoln 146 years ago. In his acceptance speech, our new president-elect encouraged all citizens to work together for our nation's continued growth and prosperity. As a citizen of Florida, one of the nation鈥檚 most diverse and culturally rich states, what will you do to contribute to a brighter future for Florida and all its citizens?"





For being on 5'0 and 13 years old , I have a lot of dreams. I want to help save money, the environment, paper, and water. For an average teenager I spend my Friday nights differently than my peers. I spend the 6 or 7 hours researching and thinking. I think about ways I can contribute to my state, better yet the world. I wanna change some things, and I have good ideas, I just need someone to hear me. I envision the things Mr. Barack Obama and Martin Luther King did. They were in fact heroes , yes they were. They thought for hours I am sure. Nevertheless, the unanswered question of Barak Obama in his speech has yet to be answered by me. What will I do to contribute to a brighter future for Florida and all its citizens. I will become a missionary. Not one that spreads the gospel, but one that spreads the word.


It feels almost as if the world is coming to an end, with all the economic troubles and finance struggles. However, we can change that. You see , we can help by just doing simple things, we don't have to think big and special. If each citizens fulfills his task of these things, Florida will be one step closer to the perfect state it is . We all hate to have trash in out automobiles, correct? So we throw the wrappers out the window. If we could just all keep those until we arrive at a trash facility, Florida will look breathtaking. If we are truly acting like the loyal and honest citizens we are, we would also pick up any big pieces of trash we see laying around.


Im sure we've all now heard about the budget cuts, have we not? My education is left in the hands of our school board. With elective classes and extracurricular activities being cut out already, what should we be expecting next? It bothers me that my parents pay millions of dollars in tax each and ever year, to see it go to waste. We see it being used in the lottery and concerts; when it really should be going to schools. To me it is a privilege to attend school, and I will do all I can to prevent the cuts. We can each attend a meeting, contact a representative, or email a letter, informing the people of our views. Students we can recycle and every single paper we receive back , for a rotation of renewed and reused papers.


I understand quite a lot for my age. I understand that more and more people are dropping out of high school without diplomas. Why is this? Because they do not bother to listen to authority. Florida is falling apart because of the lack of education each student has. Education is vital for a united state. Although I am just a child, I believe that I can make a difference by speaking to children who are failing and slacking. I, myself, contributed to the decision of 6 students when deciding if the IB program was for them. I have a voice and I am going to make it be heard. I have started out with enticing my fellow classmates how important education is . The knowledge you attain will take you throughout great depths.


I have a dream... and it will be heard. Never again will I feel like Americans have failed to meet the standards of out highly praised nation. It is just that people need motivation. I will be helping the environment, I will be preserving money and paper, and I will speak to students individually on their careers. We all know that we are better than the downward falls we have had, all we need is self-determinism. I will help in the regaining and rebounding of the confidence of the sunshine state. Although, I am not legally licensed yet, I have a dream, and it will be heard...|||Dozens of typical grammatical errors. Missing punctuation, sentence fracture, etc. President is always capitalized when it's the President of the United States.





Otherwise, the language and theme are ok.|||omg, that was fantastic


and who cares about corrections and miss-spellings


i would give you a 9 out of 10


and im in the contest also but this is great


and good luck and follow your dreams like marther luther king jr. did|||hi i am sai i have read u r essay but i can tell that u have minimum knowledge about polotics of international but u should improve ur english grammer which is useful in ur life although i can give u 8 out of 10|||It's very inspirational, but hard to read because you are not following the rules of paragraphing.





For each new thought or idea, start a new paragraph.





Then come back and ask what we think of it. Thanks.|||i really like this.


you have the personal experience of what you do instead of your peers,


you should have a call the action though and give the reader something to do afterward like, "try out helping Florida as well by..." I wasnt sure if you like restated you thesis cause I'm not as good as finding things in essays as i am writing them.


i am also thirteen and live in Florida. :)))


so cool, go Barak Obama!|||you use I %26amp; our , too much . If your gona do a opion essay don't include those thingsbe like Obama was the first black president. %26amp; your topic sentence preety good your probably in grade 9, so this is probably new to you, but really nice topic sentence, i would sugest that you make your thesis more clear, and you got a lot of info